hey dad

I never blamed you for leaving. I never did. I always had a surprisingly adult view of the break up, knowing that if two people are so completely unhappy together, then they should split and try and be happy again. It was never that part that bothered me, and i would like to get that out.

What bothered me was that after a while, you stopped making an effort to see us every week. And even once you got your own house, ten minutes away from us, we were invited over for tea once a week, but never on weekends, just to hang out. You never asked us to do things with you on random weekends... And Andrea it affected more than any of us, and you never organised stuff to do with her in the school holidays. And it really got to me.

I am coming to realise now though, that as I grew up, I stopped making an effort to see you too, in a sort of weird way of trying to get you back. And all the while i kept blaming you, even though now it was my fault too.
And since I told you that i was pregnant, and your absolutely ecstatic reaction, I am starting to realise that while our relationship has never been perfect, there are good parts that can be salvaged. And I am starting to hope that if we both try, we can fix at least part of this.

and I begin a new chapter

I always kept diaries as a teenager. Terrified of my mum finding them and reading them, yet hoping that one day the words would be read by someone. Or that I could look back on them and understand my teenage self better, and therefore be a better parent to my own teenage children, should they exist.
Now i don't know why I feel the need to keep putting my thoughts down somewhere. They are rarely interesting to re-read. But it feels good to clear out my head every now and then.

So here goes again...
Just as I am starting a new chapter in my life too. Living with my boyfriend, and we are planning to buy a house very soon, which is just terrifying! but I look forward to the little things, like being sick of staring at a certain wall and painting it a new colour.. like buying art to put on the walls.. (though how we'll afford it I just dont know!) ..i love being creative, and I look forward to creative freedom within a home that is mine to alter. That is exciting.